I had never been arrested or ticketed for driving while I was intoxicated. I had never lost my kids, my job, or my home. I had never even been kicked out of a bar.
There was no catastrophic incident, but I hit rock bottom.
Drinking, I thought, made life more bearable. I self medicated with alcohol and at some point, drinking went from being fun, to being necessary. I considered when I would be able to drink before everything else. I hid alcohol and snuck drinks. I lied. I bargained. I manipulated. Most days, I was drinking, drunk or hung over.
It was never enough. The concept of having “a couple drinks” bewildered me. That was something I could not do. I was also stuck. I would tell myself that I wasn’t going to drink that day, but sure enough, I would. I would drink to cope, but would be creating more to “cope with” as long as I drank. There is nothing worse than waking up with regrets and piecing together what happened the night before.
I hung out with denial for quite awhile. I abused alcohol for years before I admitted that I needed help. Admitting that I needed help, not only meant that I had a problem, it meant that I wasn’t going to be able to go to bars and drink with friends or at events. That part of my life would no longer be able to exist.
The night before I started on my road to recovery, I planned my suicide. I had rationalized it as being best for everyone. I had planned how and where I would do it. This is what it had come to. I was completely hopeless.
When I woke up from the black out, in a haze, with the realizations and the seriousness of the night before coming back to me, I knew I had to surrender…I had to do what ever I had to do to save myself, to save my life. I was really scared, but I did what I had to do.
I have been sober now for three years. I have a new outlook on life. I have hope. I am grateful.
I know it may sound cheesy, but I will forever be grateful to the EAP for guiding me in the right direction, to PGE for offering such an awesome program, and to the PVP program for helping to keep me going.